Pretty Mad Girl in a Tutu

Hi All

 

Been forever since I came on here...ahh how time rushes by, quite scary really, its almost a year since my 21st, and yet it feels like yesterday.

 

I feel like I have been caught in a twilight zone this week, apart from being horridly dizzy all the time from vertigo, its certainly given me enough time for 'me' so to speak to think about things a little more, which is not a bad thing to say the least...lying around at home due to inability to drive has been soooooo frustrating. Im so glad in the next couple days i should be 100% again.

 

I have felt like I am stagnating, asking the question...what do you want to do with your life Kez...? What if you were to die tomorrow, what would you have wanted to do with your life? A little deep for a fuzzy mind but nonetheless a completely valid question as I would loathe to be one of those people that wallows in and out of a miserable life dremaing of fullfillmetn but somehow never ever coming close to it!!!!! I want to live a FULL life...

 

I anticiapte now that although it has felt like I am getting awfully close to that comfortable place that soon enough adventure will come seek me out or alternatively I will be able to vent some sort of release and feel as uncaged as is humanly possible again.

 

We had a great week-end away recently..it was blissful, determined predominatnl;y by which flavous Ice cream I would have on my triple scoop, which book I would choose in the labyrinthine counters of this most wonderful and cheap bookstore we came across  and lastly what should we feast on tonight amidst the twisting twirling game of twister...!!! It was uncagey, comforting and blissfull unawareness, something that occasionally my mind likes to do...a kind of 'OUT TO LUNCH' taped to the door of the deeoper thoughts...sometimes the best ideas are born in the most seemingly unporductive hours and yet...what is an unproductive hour, but far I have had some of the most productive times away from my desk at work, yelling Carpe Diem to the sea and embarking on a time of reckless abandonment, and yet come away feeling the most refreshed, cleansed and hopeful human beign I could ever be...

 

So what makes a roductive day really...are we are conformant to societyies ideals that a head worker is he who does the most mind challenging work in a day or is it alternatively the man who takes the time to enjoy each breath he takes, to see the world moving around him in slow motion, to find the importance in every small second...

 

Im not into over the counter productiveness, nope...Im in it for the good ride....let me just take a deep breath....

 

sigh, that was beautiful!

 

 

Helloooooooo

 

Well no thanks to the great and fabulous Mnet I am now entered into South African Survivor - WOOHOO! I am so excited, I was prancing around the house last night singing to my mom.

Can you imagine...it will be sooooo fabulous...

 

I first had to beg my mom to not have a nervous breakdown if I entered, she eventually agreed but said that I live in a dream world, how the hell would I cope with the wildlife and my apparent distate for eating fish...well....hmmm...

 

I dont care, Im just dreaming about it, I really want to be a contestant and hope that I will at least get shortlisted! Im innocent enough to make people think Im not too much of a threat but I reckon smart enough to be manipulative in the situaion - I have to say i must be the one and only time when being a manipulative little biatch will actually pay off!

 

I am unable to elaborate more on my survivor dreams, but trust that i will be back to share my ideas and thoughts with you shortly!

 

Happy Public Holiday everybody - sadly for me its off to work....

 

Kez

Hey Yáll.....

 

Happy Easter, I hope you all got as spoilt with eggs as I did....I got quite a few I wont lie, but sadly not the Barbie Cup that I wanted....it was sold out by the time we got to Woolies....tradgedy!

 

So I think Im growing up..think being the operative word....

I been thinking about what it would be like moving into my own place, buying myself a new car and in brief moments of insanity what it ouwld be like one day when I have my own family...as old as I sometimes feel, I relaised that Im still just bloody youg...I was watching a grey bearded and sorted grey headed man the other wondering what it must be like to reach Sixty and think back about the fact that you have lived Sixty whole years...tonight I am wathcing my parents have a domestic about the lawn and wondering if I too would do that one day iwth my partner....

 

I think there are sooo many roads in life...most of the time Im sitting back and enjoying the ride..but there are a few things I would like to change about myself before I reach Sixty...

 

1) I would like to more loud and not be scared to laugh uproarously at any given moment..I think that there is nothing more endearing than a full bellied laugh. My best bud and I have been doing crazy things of late..i.e last night I donned an orange scarf and we played Uno..she then filmed me as 'Uri the World Champion Uno player, complete with a full on Russian accent'. before I collapsed off the bed in a heap of laughter..as we played it back I was really absorbed in the sight of us laughing so hard, crying tears and E screaming in the background how she was going to wet her pants...its draws you in and its warm and these are things that last a life time! In reality I am really shy in front of people and come out more in writing than in anything, but imagine if I could really voice all the crazy things I think or have the same ability to make people laugh in person as sometimes I do through my writing...

2) I want to write more....Ive been scrawling loads and loads lately and getting there..but its stamina. At one point last year I was really spurred on, who wouldnt be having a published author take note of some shitty little stories...that meant the world to me.....its is my dreamiest of dreamiest desires...to be a published author...world famous not for the way I act or dont behave but by the power of words on paper.

3) Ive changed my mind from wanting to touch every continent, I want to take it further than that and touch every country in the world...not in the conventional way...give me a beat up old car or a motobike and send me off with a backpack and lunchbox..I want adventure..I want spice...I want wild!!!!!!

4)Be happy for where I am everyday...sometimes work can be shit but I sure as hell have met some fantstic people and its all worth it in the end...and you know what..I just need to think back to the shitty jobs I have had after a hard day at the office and it would be enough to make me feel like I am in heaven with my job.

 

All in all..I want spontaniety with a touch of grounding....I want to be the freaky granny one day that goes..'when I was young....I rodé a bike through South America, got my trousers caught in the wheel and rolled down a ravine to be met by a tribe of painted people wearing nothing but leather thongs...' I want my life story to be so adventurous the nurses in the old age home think I'm dillusional...

 

I just want to Live...traa la laaaaaaaaaaaaaa.......

 

Hello Again...

 

Suffice to say I am finding myself at odds with life in general yet again...please allow me to stand on the soapbox and scream in a most torturous way about why hanging out with ex boyfriends is NOT a happy clapper scenario!

 

First off...I ended up willfully going to Watch Ice Age 2 with best friend and ex boyf who happens to be hitting unmercifully on best friend....mission impossible no..situation uncomfortable YES! I thought there was some small sprinkling of chivallry somewhere on this planet..but no I was proved dramatically wrong when I arrive at house and am led straight back to my car and told to drive like Moses the fucking cab driver! I was so unhappy, mostly due to the fact I have dwindling funds and an ever dwindling tank of petrol and Him mighty self kicked my friend into the back seat and sat on his throne in the front seat...I had my own back..trust felicity shagwell to lock her seats and have him sat nose against windshield the whole way..woohoo... M - 0  K-1 !!!!

 

So we go get the tickets for Ice Age and then go for dinner...he wants greasy food, we want healthy food, so he goes to kentucky and we go to house of coffees...we sit down in the smoking section and Himself comes skipping in and tells us to feck out of the smoking area or hes going to go back to kentucky and not eat with us...

This is my moment of utter disgust..... I have truly never looked at anyone the way I looked at him that night...it was the super triple decker uber death stare!I have no prblem not sitting in the smoking section for non smokers but for him..it was like he had pushed the explode button - all the tears he had made me cry came out in dagger looks...Im sorry but at this point in my life I think fannyboy can go and screw himself...so i gave him a mouthful...

I told him to go and sit on the other side of the smoking window and we could sit on the insde and we could all wave to eachother through the glass like a happy family......

Needless to say this caused a bit of tension...ermmhmm..moved myself to the non smoking section M-1 K-1....

He then starts playing with the lighter...so friend ever so awesomely takes the lighter away in one swipe and tells him off for playing with it...he starts protesting and friend shuts him down and tells him if he wants to play with fire he can sit in smoking section...did not hear a peep from him.... M-1 K-SLAM DUNK!

 

Ice Age was awwweessoommeee...I loved it. Friend sat in between himself and I to avoid any murder in the dark scenarios but could not spare herself the wandering hand of himself and was practically curled up in tiny ball against my side of the handrest as she does not want any of his beef at all...attttt alllllllllllllllll!

 

The anger of it all....the cheek of it all...does he not know the rule of best friends is to never  date anyones leftovers as it makes life uncomfortable and difficult...anyway last I heard was that himself was pissed off because I gate crashed ( friend texted me and begged me rescue her..took much persuasion) and ruined his dreams of getting funky with friend...cry me a river....he still hasnt quite got it and insists on her going to watch his hockey games in ice cold weather, which she artfully tricks me into going to- she is still running and I am still the devil ex girlfriend and together we stunt his performance on the field......

 

Never again - never ever will i endure an evening like that...

 

To Himself - if your species is going to make it clap your hands clap clap!

Helloo

 

Like the usual over jealousness displayed by shopping centres- they have had no mercy with the easter egg displays... I am now 100% haunted by thoughts of chocolate... not just the average chocolate, but by the big pink easter egg nestled in a big pink Barbie mug in Woolworths. I not a fan of Barbie - hardly at age 21 - its just that it looks so inviting and fun and so...well chocolately....hmmm

As a self confessed junkie, where magnum double chocolate ice cream and giant cadburys slabs have nothing on the craving - I am now in diet hell or heaven.I just cannot decide.

The other day whilst taking a break from the office and going to get lunch in what was supposed to be the salad section, I found myself ambling around the Easter display...so brilliantly situated before you can even hit the health food...with the effect it has on me, I truly feel for the Parents of junk food crazed children, who have to artfully avert the little monsters eyes away from the bulging shelves practically dripping with chocolate..! It seems the days of a simply delightful marshmallow egg are now a thing of the past...gone with black and white tv and the dude with the toupe on the news (although apparently there have been sightings of him...) I truly marvelled at what you can get nowadays. Big chocolate bunnies practically a metre high for those who really whish to indulge ( or husbands who quietly want to say Im sorry by going straight to the jugular vein of their wives chocolate hearts) Barbie or Spiderman eggs that come with a cup for the days after Easter when all thats left is a coffee mug and then fond memory of the chocolate in it, little Winnie the Pooh figurines in Chocolate and even little plastic Chickens and Bunnies that pretty much poop out mini eggs much to everyones delight.

There is no escaping it, in a world where everyone complains about obesity, its a marvel they havent banned Easter Consumerism.

Fascinating really.

I dont know how I am going to get around this one. I am going away for Easter and even now weeks before there time I am thinking how sad it would be not to wake up to the Great Easter egg hunt or alternatively if you please the bag of eggs waiting near the couch and the telly.I am clearly a child of the modern age.

A friends of mines mom came up with an idea of pure genius I thought. She told me that due to the fact she is the most normal woman who watches her weight, her mom decided one easter that instead of the great Easter Egg hunt she would indulge S in the next best thing - the big underwear hunt....allow me a moment to compose myself, this leaves me in fits of giggles everytime I think about it...her mom apparently hides the underwear for S to find. I have visions of La Senza silky thongs hanging from a tree branch in the garden....I sincerely hope that either they live in quiet area or their garden is relatively well hidden, can you imagine the experience for those quietly taking their dogs for a walk in the morning...what a sight!

I am tempted to pass this information onto my mother for future reference but I am holding back because  I dont know if I could attempt an Easter without chocolate let alone a normal day!As it is, we havent even reached Easter and already as I have mentioned I am itching to indulge myself..I have truthfully already eaten about 10 marhsmallow eggs..what was supposed to be a kind gesture for our clients with a box of thirty eggs in the office, quickly turned into an egg gorge fest...its never going to work if I start buying them.

 

 So I have managed to train myself to slink past the displays in woolwoths, but I have in the meantime discovered mini barbie chocolates and wait for it...a Winnie the Pooh mini pot plant..about the size of those sharpeners that have those barrel things attached to catch the shavings....it has a little carrot seed that you plant and when its big enough can put in the garden where you can marvel at your 1 little nurtured vegetable...I am tempted to get it and grow it on my desk at work, but I do wonder what people will think when they ask about it and I tell them I am gardening vegetables whilst trying to book for their flights......

 

It truly doesnt take much to catch my attention, but in after thought, its quite mad how we are all sucked into the fad...

I am writing currently as a slim person, but be warned after the 14 April...I will be rolling to the keyboard to ytpe whilst munching on my 1 little carrot!

Ahh... this may not be the most upbeat blog entry I have ever written..but sometimes you need to take a step back and look at things and think about things and finally learn that sometimes things just happen for wierd reasons.

 

These past few weeks have been an all mighty blur for a lot of reasons. The home front has been chaotic to say the least, all the grown ups have flonw away, deaths in the family, business trips etc, leaving the house feeling like an empty shell. Its kind of wierd, everything goes silent and I feel like I am looking at myself from a distance or more like following myself aorund the house, like a ghost I suppose. And in these times, as with any other period icmoments of silence, I find myself thinking about things deeper than the fact that I poured my morning coffee down the front of my work shirt, I have lost almost all my shoes and the only pair I have left have holes in it..scraping away the accumulating whipped cream on the milkshake of life is an apt way of describing it.

 

Sometimes it easier to write almost is third person because it is the only way of making sense of what life has to throw at you...and Im not talking about the depressive nature of things, Im talking about the things that leave you feeling dazed and funny and tongue tied and occasionally impressively stupid if there was such a term for this.

 

I am hugely into travel, I love it, in fact I think there is nothing more fulfilling than seeing the world, and I think Ive realised that it is not purely for the reason that you may see things that are world famous, but more so that you would meet people who would take your breath away in just the same way. I think Ive been lucky that way.Its become my way of perspective, its become my way of finding the true nature of things and finding myself and understanding that in one second you can feel the most intense pain but in the next you can find the most passionate unadulterated passion for life. When I came home to South Africa, I have to admit I didnt feel that way anymore, I wanted to give up on SA completely thinking that it would never be home, perhaps because the places I found to be home and the people I met that felt like home were in a completely different country living completely different lives to the people and would never somehow be able to match that experience! 

 

And then subtle changes happen and you suddenly find that you are breathing again and that is so much here to take your breath away. It can happen time and time again, these kind of revelations, but the thing I love the most about them is the fact that you can discover the same thing twice and still be taken by suprise.

 

Ive done so much in the last few weeks, but its not been huge things, small things, starting with my friends photography course and remembering how good it feels to take a photo of something and capture it in the way you personally saw it. This has lead to me wanting to just take random drives up the coast armed with a camera and to just discover what Cape Town and its surrounds mean to me again.And driving to all these new places untimately leads one adventure onto the next and before you know it you have done so many awesome things that perhaps you had forgotten existed.

 

And you discover new people along the way, even if they have been standing beside you all along..

 

When you least expect it, someone can become that breath of fresh air and its not the easiest thing but nor is it the worst thing that could ever happen.I really though it would never happen to me again, but then it hits you and its awesome, and it inspires you and it makes you want to be more who you really are inside, than the person who has to just get up in the morning and get on with life. There is just so much more if you just allow that one little thing to open your eyes. We miss it everyday, the most simple things and we get bitter and complain about how shit our lives are, but its a moment of perspective (and I wish I could live every day like this without having a reason) that makes you realise just how rich life is..

 

I think falling in love with your surrounds or people or both is what allows us to have those clear minds that we had when we were children, where there were no inhibitions or intense rights or wrongs -where things happened just because and where if you told someone you loved them, they wouldnt ask any questions, but they would know that its

 

'Just because'

 

And just because is as good a reason as any.

Its the most simple of things, but its the truth and when you look at it clearly you'll realise that living your truth makes the life itself the simplest encounter you will ever endure.

 

Helllooo

 

Hmmm, its been rather an eventful week, to say the least, I have had about all the bad luck my life oculd possibly muster to throw at me.

 

It started with an innocent, good samaritan endeaver to make dinner for my brother - all other family were away on trips. So I start whippng up some mince to discover there was no oil to brown the onions, calmly resort to margarine, and off I go, reach the point where it is time to add tomatoes, and low and behold, the ten million cans of tomato we had, have miraculously all been eaten the night before and I am left with some rather mank and quickly drying out mince. I found possibly the teeniest little can of tomato paste and almost rejoice, along with a bottle of tomato sauce. Usually one takes a can opener and opens it and throws it in and voila, but no - not in my life- the can opener breaks on named teeniest tiniest can. I start trying to jab the can with a fork and in a last ditch genius attempt, take a the biggest knife I can find and give one hard gash - in the end I am left with half the can of the most desperately needed tomato paste on white clothes and I am now hysterically crying - use the last of the tomato sauce I can find, until I see the mince looks worse than before , so I go to the shop to get all ingredients. I get home with four cans of onion and tomato mix,and was even excited because I had chutney, and then realise that I am holding four cans,with no can opener, and I forgot the oil for the pasta. I managed to get the cans open, not without turning the kitchen walls a new 'tomato' red and then broke down over the pasta. I had to call Gemma to guide me through the cooking process as I was certain I had seen the spaghetti mysteriusly form a mass in the water and I couldnt cope with that on top of everything else.

 

And the the prblems started with my car (chorie, jalopy, obstinate automobile) I had to lend her to someone for a month, this 'someone'' may or may not have neglected little Felicity Shagwell, before she came back into her adoring owners hands. After filling up with petrol on the way to work, I noticed she was getting a bit hot and shortly thereafter, felt it rather urgent that I stop the car for fear of explosion, managed to get her to phut phut down the road, before she exploded in my driveway, and released the river nile on the cement. I tried to remain calm, had been on time for work,but was now going to be late and left her  in the hands of a family member to get fixed. Attempted the work Scenario again the next day and she decided to let me get into the hospital parking lot before she exploded all over again- right next to the helicopter landing pad..frantic phonecalls to illicit urgent movement of hunk of metal that I was now cussing at, whilst hospital security guards looked on, evidently quite highly amused.

Went home to get another car to drive to work,when I came across my brother reversing it out the driveway, after calmly trying to reason with him to let me use the car, he started pulling 'signs'at me and I released a tirade of abuse back - subsequntely I had no car for the day, got inside to hear the phone ringing - answered - it was my neighbour telling me that she had a very mangled and what looked like chewed up telephone bill of ours, 'Would I like to come and pick it up?' - of course bloody not - Silently screamed into the curtain before missioning to work! 

 

It hasnt ended there,there have been mini unlucky episodes along the way since, whoever said bad luck runs in threes is the biggest arsefart I have ever heard of in my life. For a normally calm perosn, who takes the time to process things before I get angry, I have been furious and have cried nearly every day, it has disturbed my aura and made my body go into overdrive, resulting in a series of mini panic attacks, which after watching Oprahs fabulous episodes of "You could have serious heart disease and you dont know it', have led to me being stressedout more because I know think my ticker is going to go fairly soon as well!

 

Whatever I have done in my past lives that was so awful toresult in the week from hell, I am now apologising profusely, I am sorry, and I am begging for some one'' up'' there to realise this and send some good karma my way..

 

Om Mani Padme Hum

 

I am starting to feel that retreat needs to happen soon..

Very soon!